7: Papa Tony and Lessons on Potential

Grandpa Tony, Potential and Helping Others Get the Most Out of Life

Welcome: 00:00

Thank you for joining the Mt. Nebo Leadership Podcast, Leaders Lift. I'm your host Greg Cunningham and I'm excited you joined me to talk about potential and helping others get the most out of life

Intro

This is the 3rd episode in my relationship focused series. We've talked about the foundations of relationship building and last week we talked in depth about trust. IF you haven't already listened to those episodes, now is a good time. Once you have established trust, then you can continue to work on those key relationships. Doing so can yield tremendous results, especially when compared with the alternative of just hoping things work out. Today I want to about how relationships relate to potential and getting the most out of life. I'll start with a couple of stories about one of my absolute heroes. Then a book recommendation that’s about helping others do and be more. Then we will dive in and discuss relationships and potential. I hope you'll stick with me through the end.

Story Time: 01:02

There are many individuals in my life that taught me about relationships and how those relationships are key to getting more out of our lives. One of the greatest examples of this was my Grandpa Tony. When I was born, I was the 5th generation on my mom's side of the family. My parents were both very young so I spent a lot of time with those grandparents and I have a lot of memories. Each grandparent influenced and helped me become who I am but today I want to highlight just one. Over the last few years I realized how much he influenced some of the core leadership principles I try to live. He was all about relationships and so I thought I'd share a bit about him and some of the lessons I learned from him.

Lesson One: No matter what, you are setting an example for someone.

The way you live your life is an example so be deliberate in what that example is. Grandpa and I never had a conversation about leadership. Instead, he just lived his life and that was more than enough. I'll share some examples below that show the impact his life had on me and others.

Lesson Two: Family first.

Grandpa never missed a game regardless of the sport. Not only that, but there were very few practices that he missed. He was always welcome on the sidelines by the coaches and the team.

During the NFL season, Monday nights were special times. No matter what either of us had going on, we watched football together at his house. We would make a fire in the fireplace in the basement and have a Duck lunch (crackers with mayo, pepperoni, salami and cheese). I think it might actually be called Dutch lunch but I've been told that I kept calling it a duck lunch and so that name just stuck.

I wasn't the only one that felt this way. Each of his grandkids had similar experiences. We all felt like we were the most important person in the world. I don’t ever remember him missing anything that was even semi-important.

Lesson Three: Make serving others a priority.

While the first two lessons are great in and of themselves, this one is probably the most powerful. I don't know that I have met anyone who served others the way he did.

When I was in second grade, he started volunteering in my classroom. His job was to read to the kids during reading time. Once he started, he just didn't stop. As he aged, his eyesight became a problem and he was no longer able to read to the kids. So they read to him. My sister (who is 11 years younger than me) remembers him volunteering to open the gym in the mornings before school and to supervise the kids that needed to come early.

Eventually he just couldn't keep going over to the school and once he had to stop, he was honored by the Governor of Utah for decades of volunteer work and the impact he made on the kids in that school.

Lesson Four: Be present and listen.

Lesson Five: Love those you serve. Love can overcome a lot of barriers.

Let me share a story about both of these lessons.

In our town there was a care center where members of our congregation were responsible for facilitating a religious service in the center. I don't know how long he had that assignment but it felt like it was my entire childhood, at least up until he physically wasn't able to do it any more.

There were a lot of Sundays that I went with him to the care center. We would walk the halls and invite any that were interested to come to church. During these walks, I observed what I considered peculiar interactions. Let me explain.

Our small town was a coal mining town. That meant a lot of diversity from the immigrants that had settled in the area to work in the mines. The peculiar part of Sundays at the care center was how many people would talk to Grandpa in foreign languages. I was absolutely stunned that my Grandpa knew so many languages. He would listen, nod and then talk to them (in English). They would smile and I could feel the love there.

So here is the secret - Grandpa didn't speak anything but English. But that didn't stop him from listening and loving them. They felt the love. I felt it. And that overcame the language barrier.

Lesson Six: Let who you are define your actions.

Grandpa Tony let who he was define his actions. He did not let his actions define him. I have talked before about the need to be deliberate as leaders. Each action we take will have an impact on our lives and those around us. If we go with the flow and are constantly reacting, we are letting our actions define who we become.

This all seemed effortless to Grandpa because it all tied into the core of who he was. These examples show how the little things Grandpa did allowed him to build solid relationships. He was certainly happy with his life and anyone that knew he was better for it as well.

Little Lift: 05:09

With this weeks focus on using relationships to help ourselves and others get the most out of life, I'd like to recommend another book for this week's Little Lift recommendation. The book is called Multipliers by Liz Wiseman (amazon affiliate link in the show notes). This was an incredible read and I have been back through my notes on it more than once. There are several key concepts I've been trying to apply. The one I focus on the most (and still need to work on) is handing back the marker. If you are intrigued by that take a look. That concept is applicable anytime you are helping someone solve a problem (personal, professional, etc).

Potential: 05:48

Many years ago I was part of a church group where our leader was big into professional, personal and church training. One day he showed us a video called Everyday Creativity. Similar to the book recommendation earlier, I've gone back through my notes many times and I've used it in other organizations. One key point he made that really stuck with me is that we need to put ourselves in the place of most potential. He talked about how in photography, you have to have technique as well as be in the right place at the right time and have the right angle, lenses, etc. in order for the shot. He also pointed out that it takes thousands of photos for a single National Geographic article. So even when you are in the place of most potential, there is continued refinement and experimentation to get the prefect shot.

Both of these concepts have application in all aspects of our lives. In general, if we have not aligned ourselves with our strengths and our overall goals for life, how can we even hope to achieve our fullest potential. As we have been discussing for the last several weeks, that means we need to have a good understand of who we are and who we want to be as well as what we want out of life. This isn't just for us but is also for those we are responsible for such as our families. It's our job as parents, grandparents and other influential adults to see that the upcoming generations have a chance to reach their fullest potential. That means we need to have to help them understand themselves and support them as they work to develop the skills that will allow them to reach that potential. That includes helping them realize that it may take thousands of shots to get there and teaching them how to course correct, either because they got off course or because it wasn't really the right path to start with, and supporting them as they do so.

I got to speak with Dewitt Jones at a conference much later in my career. It was great to hear him talk about the video and then to get to thank him in person for the impact it had in my life. If you are interested, I'll put a link to it in the shownotes but be warned, it's priced for a professional training environment.

Just a couple of thoughts before I wrap up this section. Why is it important to put ourselves in the place of most potential and how does that relate to relationships?

Shawn Achor (whose works I have recommended in the past) said this on a podcast recently. "Happiness is moving toward our potential." That makes a lot of sense to me. I've found that when we are on a path (even if it's difficult and maybe not terribly straight) that aligns with our strengths and is headed in the general direction of where we want to go in life, we get more out of life and have a much better shot at real happiness. It's amplified if you have a good idea of who you are and what you want, but also I've found that even for those that don't have a good grasp on those kinds of things, they can at least tell that something is off if they aren't aligned with their potential. So there is a direct correlation between moving towards our potential and happiness.

As for relationships, can you think of anything that has a greater impact on your happiness than the key relationships in your life? Think about the relationship with your spouse? Kids? Parents? Key friends? What about at work? Your manager? Key teammates? All of those relationships will have a significant impact on your happiness and helping you get the most out of life by living up to your potential.

Let's take a quick break and then talk about how leaders can work towards their own potential and help others do the same.

Mid-Roll

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Moving Towards Potential: 09:41

As leaders, we have the ability to significantly influence others meeting their potential. And as I've mentioned in the past, we also need to take responsibility for our own paths and not assume others will do it for us. That includes identifying our potential and aligning our paths with it. In both of these scenarios, we first need to identify that potential and then as leaders we need to focus on lifting and inspiring ourselves (more on that later) and those around us towards that potential.

First evaluating personal potential. We absolutely need to do this for ourselves. You can use the various techniques I discussed in the knowing yourself episodes. Once we have some idea on our own path, we can then help others on theirs. Just a word of caution here. When it comes to personal potential, I don't recommend being the judge of what someone elses potential might be. Even in a professional environment, leaders should be cautious about determining overall potential. As the leader, you definitely can determine if the individual has the potential in their current position but be careful beyond that. Ultimately, I believe as leaders we should support others in determining their potential but allow them to make the final call. We can provide advice, guidance and support, but ultimately it needs to be their decision.

Let's talk about some specifics. Whether its our own potential or that of others, there are some common things you can do in both situations. Since I covered these in previous episodes and you can get more details in those episodes, I'll just briefly cover them.

□ Likes and dislikes

□ What our motivations are - these are the kinds of things that get us out of bed and directly tie in with what you want to get out of life.

® Family vacations

® Successful leadership career

® Early retirement

® Make a difference in the world

® These are all examples of what could be motivators.

□ What we are naturally good at (this is something we may need to ask others for ourselves and this is something we can certainly help others identify)

® Hard skills like organization, writing, speaking, problem solving, etc.

® Soft skills like understanding the needs of others, listening, showing empathy, etc.

□ What energizes us and what drains our energy

® All of us will have things we have to do that absolutely drain us. Even if we find the ideal life opportunity, it's not going to be all amazing. There will be aspects that drain our energy .The key is to have more things that energize us regularly versus those that do not. If your life is filled with energy draining activities, how happy are you going to be?

□ What is our personality style and how does it impact our life (this is another are where you can really help another individual)

® For sure you can evaluate your own assessment. If you want help with that, reach out or listen to my personality style episode. But most leaders will find that there are plenty of people in their lives that don't know what a personality style is and if they took the assessment, would really know what to do with it. Help guide them through the process of understanding themselves better and using that to align their lives.

□ What resources do you have at your disposal

® Expertise (self and others)

® Support

® Educational opportunities

® Other

After working through those items then you want to take a look at your goals vs. your potential and see if they align. Let me talk through some examples here.

Most of us will agree that if you want to get the most out of life, you need to get some type of education. Back when I was in high school, that meant going to college. Way back before that it was more about apprenticeships. Seems like throughout history what it meant to get an education has changed dramatically. Now, it seems like there are a much larger variety of ways to get an education. So how do you choose what is right for you. This depends on a lot of the things that I mentioned earlier. Things like what do you want to get out of life, your strengths, etc.

For example, if I know from my own analysis or with the help of others that I do much better in a hands on environment I may not want to choose a career that will require me to sit in a classroom for 4 years just to get a basic degree. Does that limit your opportunities? That depends on what your life goals are. Let's say that you eventually want to own your own business, have flexibility and have a good income. You've also found that you are naturally good at working with people and you enjoy solving problems. So what might be a good fit here?

In the town where I live, there is just a ton of construction going on. I would think that if you enjoy hands on kinds of things, you could look at something related to construction where you could be an "apprentice" (I don't know the actual process here so I'm just making assumptions) until you become certified. From what I have seen that is almost all hands on learning. You could on the side take some business classes or take advantage of the extensive small business resources available on the internet. Eventually you could own your own business and have others working for you where you count be around people and even be a mentor, have the flexbility of having a business and have a good income.

Do you see how all of the pieces came together? And do you see how if you chose a more traditional education where you may not end up in the place of most potential.

I've talked a little bit about my two oldest kids and their education. One of them just completed a 4 month technical course and she is now certified for her chosen profession which will give her plenty of opportunities to interact with others (a must in her book) and provide for her kids. My oldest son is about to graduate with his Bachelor's degree. He is a musician (violin) and is starting to think about his next step (which is most likely more education). But he is also thinking through his personality style (he recently took the assessment) and the major them which is that he is all about making connections and trying to figure out if it aligns with what he thought he wanted. He has been teaching private lessons and has realized that while he likes the teaching, what he really enjoys is the connection with students and others in the process. He has also found some other insights that have him thinking that his end state might be just fine.

This example brings up another good point and that is what do we do when our goals, potential, etc. maybe aren't quite aligned. In his case, he just needs to make some adjustments. It still keeps him on the same basic path so its not a major change. But what if more drastic change is needed?

We as leaders need to be wiling to help others work through this kind of a situation. Sometimes we have to be the ones to sit down and point out that things just may not be realistic. Other times, the individual will realize it and ask for help. In either situation, we do need to be careful to not crush someone's dreams. Maybe the dreams aren't realistic but that doesn't mean we just stomp on them.

Think about someone that wants to be come a professional athlete. How many of those are there really in the world. What if they are so passionate about their sport but really have no natural talent nor any real opportunity to succeed there? That's a tough situation, especially if you have seen how much passion and effort they put into it.

This is tough but as a leader, maybe a parent or good friend in this case, it might fall on you to help them find a way to still be involved in the sport without actually be the one on the field or court. There are lots of opportunities in sports that don't depend on athleticism. So help them look at what they are really good at and work to identify possible opportunities where they can use their real potential to get the most out of life.

As a leader in a professional environment, I have had a lot of these kinds of conversations. First, hopefully you have a foundation of trust because if you have to tell someone that their career aspirations are not realistic, it's not going to be easy. If you have built up the kind of trust I talked about in the last episode, then they may be more open to your guidance. I've had people come to me saying that they wanted to be a people manager. Some of them had natural ability to work with others and some of the other core skills required to be a manager. Others were best at rubbing people the wrong way and were the individuals that nobody wanted to partner with. I know that's a bit extreme but it has happened. They way I approached the latter was to be realistic about their current state and then talk about the key skills they would need to develop to get there. Oft times the combination of current plus what would have to change helps them realize that maybe it's not a good fit. If that still doesn't work you have a couple of choices. You can continue to push back or you can move forward as you would with someone that has the potential for the position. At times you will be surprised at the change that comes over them. If they don't progress then that gives you additional opportunities to have the discussion. But at least they won't be able to say that you killed their dream.

Just one more example from my life. This is something that my wife and I are working through right now. For a whole bunch of reasons, health and other, we believe that we would be better off in a climate that was better suited for outdoor activities. I'm not just talking about camping but all kinds of outdoor activities - except those that require cold and snow. So if we think about how we can get the most out of life, we have started to think about relocating to somewhere with better temperatures year round. Why is that important? Exercise, health improvement and just being in a place where we aren't stuck inside for four months of the year help us with what our goals are. So that's a change from the past and something we are working to.

When evaluating professional potential, all of the above definitely apply. But beyond that you also need to evaluate some of the things that are specific to the job. First would be the current skill set. Look at soft and hard skills, but don't get hung up only on the skills that they are current using to do their job. You want to look at those things that may not be quite as obvious. For example if you have an individual contributor that everyone seems to go to when they need to learn something new, that's a good indicator that there is a skill there.

When I was managing a support team several years ago, I had a technician on my team that was good technically but his customer service skills just seem so natural. He was great no matter who he was talking to. We had a new initiative we had launched that was struggling and I had the thought that while he may not have had all the technical skills yet, his customer service skills were just what we needed to make the initiative successful. He definitely hit a homerun in that role.

That's also a good example of another thing to evaluate-the potential to learn new skills. I love to solve problems and I have often heard that computer programming is a form of problem solving. Back when smartphones apps were becoming tremendously popular I thought it would be great to learn how to program so I could build my own app. That didn't work out at all. No matter how often I tried, I just couldn't get my brain to work they way it needed to. Maybe with more formal training I could have gotten there but I knew myself well enough to know that it just wasn't going to be part of my path. So I focused elsewhere.

In order to help others reach their potential, leaders also need to look beyond the individuals potential and goals. We need to take into account things like what their current position is, what opportunities may be available to them in the company or the industry. If they are looking to make a change, then we could also help them evaluate where they might find opportunities that better align with their potential and path. I've seen way too many leaders that are afraid to help high potentials look for a better opportunity elsewhere. I understand why they are hesitant, but there are two problems with this. First, normally the fear is based on their own selfish needs (not wanting to replace a high performer). That's not great leadership. Second, most likely they are going to leave anyway because they want the opportunity to realize their fullest potential, not just part of it. So instead of letting the fear dictate your actions, make a difference in their lives and help them take that next step.

How to Help Move Folks Forward

There are a few other things that we as leaders can to do help others get the most out of life move towards their potential. I'd like to spend the last part of this episode about a few of them. This is going to be a bit more professional focused but I'll try and weave in some life application as well.

The best plan can do wonders to help someone see that meeting their potential is within their grasp. Sometimes others also need to be inspired to see and then put in the effort to reach their potential. And sometimes, we as leaders need others to reach their potential if we are going to do the same. This doesn’t' happen if you employ the old school command and control style of leadership. What you need is to build trust, inspire them to move forward and then support them as they do so. Last episode was all about trust so let's talk about inspiration and support.

Let's start off with a quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt. "A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader; a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves." So that's where we start. Helping them to build the confidence in their ability to meet their potential and get what they want out of life.

In this weeks story time, I talked about putting ourselves in the place of most potential. So that is step number one. As leaders, we often have the ability to put people on a project, team or in another situation that will allow them to start on that pathway. Sometimes it's as simple as an assignment. Other times is more of a formal position. In a couple of the organizations I have worked in, I had individual contributor's that wanted to be people managers. In some ways, it's hard to give assignments to develop those skills so I had to get creative. In my first call center role I had a double sized team covering two different initiatives. I was having a hard time keeping up but I also had a couple of folks that were high performers and aspired to more. We didn't have any structure to support their development so I made it up. I split the team in two and started having them each work with half the team on key areas. Training, stats reviews, etc. Anything that I could involve them in that wouldn't be a breach of confidentiality. It worked great. I kept expanding what they handled and they kept rising to the occasion. Eventually we put in a position called coach and they were quickly promoted and eventually took on their own teams as well. This is a way to give someone management experience before giving them the full opportunity.

This leads into another key thing we can do and that is provide the right amount of support but make sure they own their assignments (and their entire plan for that matter). Two important ways to do that.

First, let them make mistakes and even fall on their face a bit. You should not try and prevent every mistake and you have to allow them to take at least some risks as they learn and grow. Sometimes the best learning comes from our failures. Not only do you let them make mistakes, but don't bail them out and don't clean up their messes for them. If they make mistakes, help them figure out how to fix it but don't do it for them.

The second piece here is called giving back the marker and comes from the book Multipliers that I mentioned earlier. Here is the idea. As you help develop someone you are leading, you will eventually need to give them something meaningful to own that maybe they aren't quite ready for. That's fine because you will be there to support them. When they come to you and say I'm stuck and I need your help, what are you going to do? The most common response is to jump in, provide the solution and make sure it stays on track. But is that really the best thing for their development? The better approach would be to start asking questions, help them get back on the right path and then make sure they have taken back ownership and control of the situation and let them move forward. Taking this approach has a few benefits. First and foremost, you don't bail them out. Second they learn how to work through unknown situations. Third, they see how you approach coming up with the solution and hopefully can learn something from it and apply the principles the next time.

Recently as I have been working with my son on his post high school plans, there have been a lot of these situations that have come up. From navigating college and scholarship applications to actually thinking through what he wants to do. For the problem solver in me, it would have been real easy to just take it and run with it. I know my mom did when I was going through the same situation. But instead I asked a lot of questions, provided some advice and expressed confidence that he would make the right decision. He has stepped up and kept moving things forward. That doesn't mean I haven't had to remind him of deadlines and such but he really has owned the process. I think this is even more important for my adult kids that come and ask for advice. Sometimes it would be easier to just solve the problem vs. help them do so, but that would just make them even more dependent on me and compromise their ability to meet their full potential.

One other concept I want to cover is something else I got out of Multipliers. I had never really thought of this but it made a lot of sense. That's that one of the ways that we as leaders can help others reach for their potential is by creating the right kind of environment. That environment should be one where we and those around us are not afraid to make mistakes. It also should be an environment that expects and even demands best effort but one that does not equate results with those best efforts. I had to think about that for a bit but here's how I interpret that. You want to create an environment where best efforts should bring about the results you are striving for. But in most cases those results won't only depend on the best effort but also most likely depend on outside factors as well. So what you want to do is make sure you can show how the best efforts will bring about the results and then hold everyone accountable for those best efforts, not necessarily for the results. Let me give an example.

Back before everyone automatically signed up for online banking, we had a goal for our agents related to how many online banking sales they made. There were financial and performance incentives connected to that goal. That's fine. But when I would talk to agents, I was more concerned about what their best effort might be to achieve that goal. I couldn't change the goal itself but I would work with them on how many offers they made. That was something they could control. They could not control who accepted the offer, only how many offers they made. That's a simple example but think about how that could apply in other circumstances. One of the results of this approach is that you create an environment that is intense (meaning it demands the very best) but it's not tense because people don't feel like they are going to be punished for mistakes or for things out of their control. That type of an environment is what Multipliers argues makes it possible for folks to meet or even exceed their potential. You still need to be results oriented and you still need to hold other accountable but this is definitely an approach worth exploring.

The final two ideas are related. First, don't be afraid to course correct yourself or others and second be patient with both yourself and those you are working with. Course correction can come when you find yourself on a path that is no longer viable, when your goals in life change (as my wife's and mine have changed many times in relation to where we want to live), as the world changes (think about how remote work has impacted many folks goals) or as other circumstances change. So always be open to course corrections.

Wrap Up: 30:46

The idea that working towards our personal potential is what will help us get the most out of life and help us be happy is not something I learned about until much later in life. I which I had come across it earlier. When you combine this concept with the idea that by knowing ourselves better can help us be better in life - better leaders, build more meaningful relationships and align our lives with our potential.

It's worth some of our best effort to get know ourselves and identify what we really want out of life as well as building a plan to meet our fullest potential, which is only possible if we are true to ourselves, which we can't do unless we know ourselves. Did I manage to talk you in a circle on that one?

I hope over these last several episodes you are starting to see how all of these pieces fit together to help us become better leaders. Think about how you can put yourself and others in the place of most potential and then how you provide support and guidance to help others move down the path towards that potential. I can think of no greater way to meet your potential as a leader than to help others meet theirs. I hope you have that as one of your goals in life.

Next week, I'll be talking about some practical ways to develop your team. It will be a bit more professional focused but I'll also have examples that have more general application. I hope you'll join me.

Post Roll

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Thank you again for tuning in. Now go out there and keep lifting.