18: Biking, Drawing from the Well and Self Care

Welcome: 00:00

Welcome to Leaders Lift, the podcast for all leaders (that's just about anyone). I'm your host Greg Cunningham and I'm looking forward to spending the next 30 minutes or so with you.

Intro

I'm actually writing and recording this just a bit early so if I get confused on timing, please forgive me. Over the last several months I've been pushing it pretty hard. There has been a lot going on trying to get this podcast and my tech one (Gadgets for Families) up and running. That's on top of my business consulting business and the craziness that comes with the end of a school year. So just a lot going on. When I combine that with with my drive to always want to be doing something meaningful and my perfectionist tendencies, it's been pretty intense. Take those experiences and combine them with some of the topics I have covered like dialing it back, knowing yourself, course correcting as well as some things I have been reading and I got thinking about how I'm doing. Not business progress or anything like that. Just how am I personally doing.

With that background, I'd like to spend our time today talking about caring for ourselves. Storytime and lessons learned from it are first and then let's talk about how we as leaders sometimes don't realize we are not taking care of ourselves, the impact that has on us and those that depend on us and more. Stick around.

Pre-Roll

Just a quick programming note. Normally I drop episodes on each Wednesday but the week of June 7th, may not see an actual episode. I have some plans that actually relate to todays topic and that may result in me not recording and dropping an episode that week. Maybe that will give you a week to catch up on an episode or two you have missed or you can check out my other podcast, Gadgets for Families.

Story Time 2:03

Story Time it is. I briefly went through this story in last week's episode but I want to share some additional details. Last week, based on when I'm writing this, I was really struggling. I just didn't seem to have the energy I needed to keep going consistently. About Wednesday I decided that I needed more than just a few minutes of dialing it back. I've been wanting to get out and ride somewhere other than just right here in town but it does take a decent chunk of time to travel, ride and return and I've always felt like I had other more productive or work related things that I should be doing instead.

But I realized that I wasn't going to be productive if I didn't do something. I decided to take a few hours on Friday and go to a trail system I really enjoy and ride. Thursday I got the things I had to get done done and then spent a couple of hours tuning up my bike. Just working on my bike was therapeutic even though at one point I wasn't sure I wasn't actually making the bike worse (remember my fear of making things around the house worse when I tried to do repairs - well that applies to my trailer, bike and most other things as well). But I eventually got it all tuned up - brakes replaced, chain replaced, everything torqued down and even got rid of a squeak that had developed in the handle bars. I also repacked my back pack (when I do short rides, everything is on the bike) that I hadn't used since probably Thanksgiving. So I was ready to go.

Friday, I didn't have nearly the troubles getting up. Thursday night I struggled a bit to go to sleep as I was so excited to hit the trails. I got through a bunch of stuff and a meeting and left the house almost right on time. I had to overcome some fears (those I covered last week) but it really made my day. I rode for about an hour is all. I'm not quite in good enough shape this early in the season to do much more but it was just fantastic. Even getting struck in bumper to bumper traffic on the way home didn't put a damper on it.

When I got home, I found I had a ton of energy. I thought maybe I'd be too tired and so had made sure I didn't have anything critical to do that afternoon. But when I realized the energy I had, I decided to try and get ahead for this week. In about four hours, I did what would normally take me most if not all of Monday (record, edit, publish the podcast, video, video clips, social media posts etc.). That was really cool.

So there are three lessons to be learned from this:

1 - if you know yourself and know it's time to dial it back for more than a few minutes, don't ignore it. Even if you can "justify" that you have more important things to do, maybe dialing it back is the most important because that will allow you to effectively and efficiently tackle those more important things.

2 - Two weeks ago (time is relative when you are writing these episodes), I talked about relevance. Well, this just reminded me that when you can find relevance it can give you motivation. It also gives you something to look forward to. Before we had to adjust our schedule, my wife and I always reserved Friday for date night and sometimes it was date afternoon or even date day. We had been doing that for years and I always looked forward to it. Right now, we are doing it on Monday evenings and that's just not the same as having something that important to look forward to at the end of a week vs. the beginning. As motivated as I was to crank through things to go on that ride was validation of what I talked about in that episode. Interesting that this week we are going camping for memorial day weekend and I'm pretty motivated to work through as much as I can before Thursday evening so I can enjoy the first camping trip of the season. See how that works?

3 - Dialing it back really can give you a productivity boost. For me, I was pretty surprised at how much I got done in a single afternoon after the bike ride. Now, I'm not sure I want to record a podcast again right after a ride. If you heard all of the symptoms of my allergies in that episode, I apologize. But I got a huge boost.

So think about those three things. Know when to dial it back, find relevance so you have something to look forward to and look for that productivity boos.

Little Lift Recommendation 6:28

Today's recommendation is just a little bit different and it's a bit longer than normal. If you aren't into the topic, skip forward about 5 minutes or so or go into the show notes and tap on the timestamp next to the next topic. Since one of the ways I take care of myself is camping and biking (basically outdoors stuff that is not freezing cold), I thought I'd give you a couple of tips if you are thinking about getting started. This week I'll do biking and at another time I'll talk about camping.

First for biking. Now, if you just wanted to ride around town, you have tons of options. But if you want to get into more than that, maybe start on some mountain biking trails, then you still have options but they may not be the most obvious. So what do you get?

So the thing I see the most of is folks that aren't sure if they will really like it wanting to just grab a bike from walmart and get going. This is probably the path of least resistance. You can do this on amazon too but if this is the route you are going, I recommend walmart since you can see the bike in person and it's at least partially assembled.

Why do I say partially assembled? Well, that's the biggest caveat for any bike you buy from walmart, the assembly. It's probably some teenager with a summer job that is putting the bikes together in bulk or if they didn't have it assembled, they are trying to do it in five minutes for you so you can get out the door. My experience with walmart bikes is that the quality is ok. It's the kind of quality that I would recommend for a young kid just getting started or for an adult that is going to ride it around town or on some dirt roads or very simple trails. If you want more than that, keep listening.

But if walmart is what you can afford to get started, there is hope. They have a range of bikes for different budgets but and this is the key, no matter what you get there, don't take it out on a trail without doing or getting some maintenance done on it. Why? Because the assembly is going to be pretty rough. I've never seen it done the way I would like it. But that's not a big deal. It's mostly about making sure everything is tight (check all the bolts and stuff), making sure it shifts properly and mostly importantly that the brakes work. Speaking of brakes, if you can get disk or hydraulic brakes, go that route. If you get the old school brakes that are pads that clamp down on the rim, that's ok but not ideal. Just make sure before you ride that they don't rub when not engaged and that they give you appropriate stopping power.

Ok, getting carried away here. So the biggest lesson is that if walmart is your choice, just make sure it is ready to be ridden. When you do that, you can get some good use out of a walmart bike (I know of one that survived riding Slick Rock in Moab - I’m still not sure how). And that will at least get you started and help you know if this is something you really enjoy.

bank. I think he paid about $: 1200

Just briefly I want to talk about ebikes. I love mine. But it's not my trail bike. I've been on a few easy trails but it is not the kind designed for real trail riding. I use it to run errands around town, explore when we are at campgrounds and for exercise. The exercise part is great because I can adjust the assist enough that I get a good workout but it let's me spend more time riding and go further. I have a route here in town that is about 16 or so miles. I can do it on my regular bike but it takes quite a while. On the ebike, I can do it in a much shorter period of time and still get almost as good of a workout.

I would also recommend looking into ebikes if you just don't have the strength or anything like that for a normal bike. With pedal assist and some with throttles, it can give folks the option of riding when maybe a traditional bike is just not for them. If you want to know what ebike I ride or my wife (they are very different) or want to know which to research, let me know and I'll get you some info.

Now beyond the bike get a helmet (you don't need to spend a fortune but it's a must), basic maintenance gear (spare tubes, pump, etc), gloves (strongly recommended especially at the beginning) and then something to carry water. Most bikes will have a place for a bottle cage. All of this can be purchased at walmart or on amazon. When you ride, make sure you take plenty of water. And if you are far from home or going for a long period of time, take snacks. I take fruit snacks, a candy bar and sometimes a cliff bar. The fruit snacks are the key. Did I mention water? Take plenty. On my rides in town, I just take a water bottle. When I go on real trails, my backpack has a 3l camelback. I rarely drink it all but I have it.

Finally, make sure you can keep your phone with you. It's the emergency piece but there are also tons of apps you can get that show trails in your area or wherever you are. I personally use trailforks and then an app for my watch called work outdoors. Tech could be a whole thing in and of itself.

Did I mention water? Ok, just making sure.

I think that's more than a little lift so maybe I should move on.

Taking Care of Yourself Intro: 13:31

I hope you can see the tie in between that story and today's main topic of taking care of yourself. If note, let me see if I can provide some additional context. Normally I start of episodes like this with some sort of a definition of the topic. I don't think I want to really do that this week. The biggest reason is that taking care of yourself is a very personal and individual topics. What it means to take care of ourselves is going to change depending on who we are, our situation in life, what we are trying to accomplish, who are we leading, etc. And even sometimes it's going to be a combination of all of those things. If I think about a set of parents who both have careers and are also trying to help their kids navigate those interesting teenage years. Or my current situation which I have mentioned on a few episodes and in a blog post a couple of weeks ago where I'm trying to be Grandpa but also have to be dad (to my kids and grandkids) and get a business to where it is self sustaining.

While I'm not going to start with a definition, I'd like to share a quote I read on Instagram this week that is what helped me solidify this as the topic I wanted to cover. This is from Hank Smith (@hankrsmith) on Instagram.

"Your family and friends can't draw from an empty well. It isn't selfish to spend time caring for you, doing what you love, what replenishes you, to make sure you have energy and courage to give to those who rely on you."

With the week I had last week and having come off of launching a new podcast, writing that blog post about how exhausting it was trying to be both dad and grandpa and with everyone else going on with our family, that whole thing just really resonated with me. I had just experience how important this was during the week so I appreciate Hank helping me tie all of this stuff together.

Before we take a break, let's break down the quote. First he talks about who depends on you. I'm going to talk about that more right after the break and even give you an exercise to do. We are all leaders and have people that depend on us. Spouses, kids, friends, colleagues, bosses, community members, church family, etc. Second, drawing from a well. While many people may believe that time is our most restricted resource, I would also put mental energy right up there. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much time the clock says I have because I just don't have anything left to give. That's how I felt last week. Third, he uses the word selfish and we are going to dive into what that means. It is really selfish to want some me time with so many depending on me? No spoilers before we get there. Fourth, do what you love and replenishes you. Sometimes we need things that we don't have to justify why we do them.

I think we should talk about all of these pieces.

Mid-Roll

Before we go any further, just my continued request that you subscribe, follow, share, review, like, etc. the podcast. The more the audience grows, the more people can find it (and I know there are a lot of folks out there that need this content but just don't know it exists) the more relevant (see what I did there) it becomes. And check out the shownotes for links and other great resources.

Who Depends on You: 16:51

Let's go through the four pieces I mentioned above and see how we can apply them in our lives to enable us to better lift others.

The first piece is about how those that depend on you can’t draw from an empty well. I also saw a similar quote in a church self-reliance that talked about how we can provide food for the hungry if our own shelves are empty. That is very true and if we have nothing to give, what happens to those that are depending on you?

So start off by pausing the podcast (unless you are driving or in another situation where it's not safe to do this) and make a quick list of those that rely on you and what they rely on you for. If you can't make a physical list, make a mental one. I don't think you need to list every single person in your life that has some sort of a dependency on you, but at least get down the main ones. My list would include my wife, my daughter that lives with us and her kids, to a lesser extent, my other three kids (they have varying levels of independence), my partner in the Gadgets for Families podcast, my consulting clients, extended family (some of which I'll talk about at some point) and I have some folks at church that rely on me for certain things. All of these have varying levels of dependency. You might also add to your list your boss, teammates, direct reports, key customers, PTA groups, teachers (room mom's know what I'm saying here), car pool partners, etc. Again, don't try and make a complete list just one that is meaningful that you can think about as we dive in further.

As for how they depend on you, here are a few examples from my list. My wife rely's on me to be there when she needs me, to manage our finances, keep the house and cars running and to take her out on date nights and to keep all her tech running (she uses the tech but doesn't want to do more than use it). My daughter and her kids as well as my son at home count on me to keep the house where it is, be there for advice, and the grandkids rely on grandpa for treats, wrestling, tickles, and other fun things. Not to mention to take them camping.

I think you could extrapolate this out with your list.

Now that you have done that exercise, think about how your well being, mental and physical, impacts all of those things that others rely on you for. If I'm too tired, then instead of playing with the grandkids, I could find myself without patience and being super grumpy. If one of my kids comes to me asking for advice and I'm mentally exhausted, my advice might be worth much less than it would be normally. If the car needs maintenance or we have a camping trip planned and I'm just too busy, then we don't go or the maintenance gets postponed. So if I'm not in a good place with my mental or physical energy, then these things are all going to be less than what I'd like them to be and what others need them to be.

That doesn't even take into account what would happen with what I spend the most time doing and that is "working". If I got so tired or sick or worn out or whatever that I couldn't work for weeks, then my clients would suffer which would impact my immediate and possibly even my long term income.

Drawing from Your Well: 19:58

So you have this list of people that depend on you. My guess is that you did not put yourself on that list anywhere. Maybe you should rethink that. The second piece here is about drawing from a well. What well is that? Well, it’s the well that contains our physical and mental energy. What we use to sustain ourselves and to be able to give to others. Everyone we interact with draws from that well to a certain extent. You draw from your own well to get out of bed, get ready for the day and to move forward. If you think about those on your list, they all draw something from your well. Depending on their level of dependency, some draw more deeply than others. The 1 year old in our house draws from everyone's well pretty deeply. He is a lot of work. On the flip side, my 18 year old doesn't draw often. He is pretty independent. But when he does want to draw more than a sip, it's usually pretty deep - like talking about college choices and things like that.

If we keep with this analogy, it my not seem like a big deal if a lot of people draw just a little bit from you. If everyone just takes a sip, you may not even notice what is going on. But those tiny sips added together can be a big deal if you aren't replenishing the well. And that's the key here. If you regularly replenish, not a problem. But if you just let everyone, including yourself, keep taking then eventually the well runs dry. But the demand will still be there. You and others will try dipping into that well that is completely dry.

Being Selfish: 21:31

The third piece of this is about being a bit selfish. Most of the time when we are taught or think about leadership, its all supposed to be about those we lead. That could be family or a team at work. It's always about how we can lift them. In this case, I want to make it very clear that you need to give your self permission for some self care, not just so that you take care of yourself, but so that you can focus on those you lead. I do agree that we should lead for the benefit of others and not ourselves. But if we don't find the right balance of caring for others and ourselves, everyone on the list you just made will be impacted.

What I'm not talking about here is just saying I'm going to make this all about me. It's very easy to do that, especially when you are worn out and just feeling like everyone around you takes and takes and gives nothing back or that no one else let's you draw from your well.

This is tricky because I don't have a perfect answer for you on how to do this. What I can tell you is that finding the right balance here is about your motivations and where your heart is. For example, are you handing off that assignment to someone on your team to benefit them or yourself. Are you just tired, don't want to do the work and are finding someone to pawn it off on or have you looked at it and realized you don't have the time, energy or resources to a good job AND identified that someone on your team does and that it will be a good assignment. Or an even simpler example, are you asking one of your kids to get something for you just because you don't want to get up off the couch or are you asking them to do it because every time you stand up, the stomach bug you are fighting off takes control.

Can you see how this is about your motivations? Am I taking a vacation just to avoid something I don't like or am I taking it because I need a break so that I can come back stronger. It's almost like the difference between running away from something vs. running towards something.

Now, something to think about. Do we always need to have a meaningful reason to do something for ourself? Or is it ok to say I'm going to buy that new game that came out or a shirt that I saw at the store just because I want to? I think the answer is that there are times when it's ok to do something just because and you don't have to have an essay prepared justifying your actions. And sometimes those simple things are enough to help you help others. But as a general rule, anytime you are going to make a decision or do something that impacts those that depend on you, let's make sure we think about how it's going to impact them.

hat You Love and Replenishing: 24:07

That leads us to the fourth point. That's doing something that you love and that replenishes. I want to use two examples here. The first is just something general and the other is an example from just the other day.

As much as I love camping and taking the grandkids with me, I wouldn't say that it's always replenishing. They love it and I love it, but it's a lot of work and we generally only last about 5 days. Anything more than that and patience on both sides runs thin. Sure I get in bike rides and get to relax to a certain extent. But I would say that this is something that I break even on, but that does not replenish. The problem with that is that if my well is already low and all I do is break even, it's still going to be well.

This ties into knowing yourself. You have to know what you love to do and what replenishes you. Sometimes those things just don't line up. Travel used to be like this for me. I loved traveling to new places (I preferred one or two day trips). I got to eat good food and made progress on key initiatives but they definitely did not replenish me. So give that some thought as you think about how you dial it back and replenish your well.

The flip side of this is that sometimes dialing it back can be a lot of work but can be replenishing at the same time. I mentioned that doing the maintenance on my bike last week did that for me. But a couple of days after that, I had an even more obvious example. We went to the Temple early that morning but when we got home we had a list of maintenance things to do on the camp trailer. It was four or so hours of solid work by the time we got done. It was physically demanding as we were going up and down ladders and stuff like that. It was also mentally draining as some of it was new to us and we didn’t want to have any mistakes that actually made things worse. By the time we got done, both my wife and I were pretty tired. But, and I won't speak for her, I was actually mentally more energized than I had been. There are a couple of reasons for that. First I knew that because we got it done, that meant it was really time to go camping. Second, I really enjoyed learning about the new pieces. Third, I didn't screw anything up and make things worse :). And fourth, we didn't have to worry about the grandkids that day. They had gone to a park for almost the whole day so we weren't multi-tasking trying to chase them and get the chores done.

We actually took the ebikes out for a ride after that and then spent the rest of the afternoon (even after the kids got home) in our hammocks on the back porch. By the end of the day, I was tired, but I felt that I had done a good job of replenishing my well.

While those are kind of one-off examples, I also have daily things I can do to help replenish the well. Getting exercise is probably the main one. Unless I'm dealing with weather, I generally try and schedule a ride or walk after I've put in a few hours during the day. That gives me a break mentally but also helps me make sure that it happens. I used to work a full day and then go, but I've found that sometimes I just don’t go and then regret it. I've also tried doing it first thing. That's ok but it's not ideal because then I put in these super long stretches without any replenishment.

I pay attention to when my apple watch tells me it's time to get up and move around a bit. I also spend a few minutes playing on my Nintendo switch. I'm also a big time reader. I read a whole book yesterday. I do podcasts and music, Street Corner Symphony is playing right now. These things all align with me being an introvert, tie into my big meaningful purposes (relevance) and help me with the day to day. But as I've mentioned before, even doing this won't work for ever and I have to find opportunities and ways to do deeper replenishment to allow this more routine maintenance to be effective. That's why last week I took a few solid hours to do a different kind of bike ride. You will need to figure some of these out for yourself as well so let me wrap up by how I'm going to work on this concept for the next while.

ow I Tie All of This Together: 28:43

So there are a lot of moving pieces and what you need to do is take the individual bits and tie them together along with some of the key pieces of your personal plan. Things like knowing yourself, knowing your motivations and the other topics we have discussed. These things are all related.

What I'd like to wrap up with is sharing with you the ideas I have for my personal plan.

Daily Replenish

I think my daily replenishment stays about the same. Daily exercise is the number one. I make sure that I have time for that. I'll ride my bike as often as I can but mix that in with walks. I'll have to keep working on my schedule once we hit mid summer and it's better to go early in the am. I'd also like to mix in the occasional evening ebike ride with my wife. I'll still read, enjoy a few minutes on the switch and a few other things like that. But right now, that small daily maintenance is just not enough. So that's part two.

For the summer (I'll talk about this winter at the end of this), I'm going to take advantage of the flexibility I have right now and pick a day a week (working on the schedule) and carve out three or four hours to go ride somewhere that is not my daily rides. Most likely this is going to be sometime during the week when I feel like it can have a bigger impact on my ability to get things done. I may actually consider trying to set things up so I have a four x 10 week and then have a whole day that I can set aside for riding and maybe that also becomes Temple and date night. My only concern with something like that is will trying to do all that in a single day really be replenishing.

Second is related to vacations. One of the dangers of working for yourself and the kind of work I do is that I can work anywhere. That is awesome at times, but it can also bleed into things like vacations. So I'm going to be more deliberate in actually taking mulitple days in a row of real vacation time. I have a camping trip coming up in early June and that's why I don't think I'll be releasing an episode of Leaders Lift. I probably will release an episode of Gadgets for Families but that will only occupy part of one day and then I'm going to be done for the rest of the week and just enjoy the trip. That’s also one camping trip where the grandkids aren't going so it should be truly replenishing. We have a couple of other trips planned and booked. The grandkids will join us for some days and not for others. And I'm going to work to not work those times. So this won't be the last week I don't release an episode.

Third, and this one crosses a lot of areas, I'm going to work when I'm working and when I'm not, I won't. Now that easy to say but in today's world with all the flexbility combined with the economic stresses, like the every growing grocery bill, it's so easy to think that instead of playing with the kids in the evening, I'll just sit down and do that one more thing. I want to be able to break away from that and I believe that if I can keep my well replenished that I'll be more efficient and effective when I need to work so that I won't feel as much pressure to keep pushing when I'm taking down time whether that is an evening with the grandkids or a couple of days camping and visiting family.

So after this, what are your thoughts about how you could take care of yourself so that you can be more effective in helping lift others? Share them with me using the feedback link in the shownotes.

It Won't Always Work: 32:20

Now, my last thought is just something to get you thinking. We have been planning for a couple of years to relocate to somewhere that is more conducive to year round outdoor activities. This last winter in Utah was great because we desperately needed the record snowfall. But at the same time, I didn't ride bikes much, even around town. I did try and go for walks almost every day, but those were miserable when it was 15 degrees without the windchill.

We recently decided to postpone that relocation for another year. It's the right decision for our family, but I know that I could possible be facing another winter where it's tough for me to do the bigger things to replenish. I'm starting to think about ways I could make semi-frequent trips south where I could ride for a day or two and what those logistics would look like. Or what other things can I do. I have an indoor bike but it's just not the same. And while we could make regular trips with the camp trailer, going far enough to get out of the cold for just a night or two doesn't make sense.

So I don't know the answers but I'll update you once I have a plan and we will see how it goes.

The reason I bring this up is for you to start thinking about the things you do to take care of yourself. Are there times when it is just not practical to do that? Think about accounts as it gets close to tax day or project managers coming to the end of a multi-year project. In those scenarios, it's probably more important than ever to figure out what you can do to replenish so you can make it successfully across the finish line and enjoy the fruits of you labors. So what will you do? If you can't turn off your phone for a whole day, can you take your phone with you on a hike (introvert) or to game (extrovert wanting to be around a lot of people).

Don't wait until the last moment to try and figure out what you are going to do. In those circumstances. The odds are that if you do that, all you will do is keep trying to push through and you and those that depend on you will not benefit from that approach. So give it some thought.

Wrap Up: 34:36

If you are already or currently aspire to be an awesome leader, and lift others in the process, you are going to spend a lot of time focusing on others. That's the way it should be. We can find true joy by losing ourselves in lifting and serving others so they can get the most out of life. But this needs to be done the right way. One of the things you must consider is how and when to take care of yourself so that you have enough in the well for you and others to draw on. When we neglect our own self-care, then we really are making it more difficult on us and those that depend on us.

If we are true leaders, then we won't take this so far that everything we do is for our own benefit. But that's something to keep your eye on. Most likely you won't do enough self care so that's what I would recommend you pay attention to. Especially if you are your own boss (like me) or if you have a boss that is just going to keep pushing (I've worked for those too). You will have to make it a priority to take care of yourself or no one else well.

Thanks for sticking around to the end of the episode. I think this is an extremely important topic and I'm thankful to have had the reminders over the last couple of weeks of what I need to be doing and to have been able to get this down in writing and audio.

I hope you will walk away from this with some ideas on when and how you are going to take care of yourself so that you and those that draw from your well, will always have enough.

Post Roll

If you want more great resources on personal and leadership development, check out my website, www.mtneboconsulting.com. If you want to add some fun tech stuff into your drive to get more out of life, give gadgets for families a try.

Thanks again for your support and go out there and keep lifting!