14: Soccer, Wrestling and the Myth of Control

Welcome: 00:00

Welcome to Leaders Lift episode 14. I'm your host Greg Cunningham and I want to say thank you for joining me for this episode.

Introduction

Soccer season is about to wrap up here in Utah. As I have watched my sons team play, there have been several things I have observed. One them that has stood out, not just with their team but all of the teams, coaches, fans, etc. It's something that I think has always been a part of sports. That's how much those involved seem to focus on things that they have absolutely no control over.

This isn't just a sports problem but in life, we tend to do the same thing. We get hung up on things we can't control and lose sight of the things that we can control, or at least influence. That's what I'd like to spend the next half hour or so talking about.

I'll start with a story around two games we played against the same team. Then I'll have a book recommendation for you. After that, I'd like to talk about how much control we really have and how that relates to my experience with emergency preparedness. Then we can do some heavy lifting around focusing on what we can control and wrap up.

Pre-Roll

Over the last few weeks I've tried adding some video snippets and even published epsidoes 11 and 12 in their entirety on YouTube. Now I'm not a videographer but if that's something that interest you, check out Leaders Lift on YouTube. Almost all of my videos include slides with some of the key talking points from each episode, especially the full length videos. I'd love to get your feedback on what you think. If it's just the audio you want, then you are in the right place. Don't forget to follow ldrslft on Instagram or Twitter and to subscribe or follow in your favorite podcast player.

Story Time: 02:01

The idea for this podcast came up a few weeks ago when my son's team lost to the top team in their region by a single goal. It was a cold windy game and was pretty miserable to attend. But what got me thinking was the way his team responded to adversity. Spoiler alert - they didn't respond well. When they got behind there was a big focus on what calls the ref's were and weren't making and things that there was no way they could control. They couldn't really even influence any of those things directly. Some of the boys got distracted and were arguing with the fans from the other team. All around, it was not a good showing for our team that had done pretty well so far in the year on just playing the game and focusing on the things they could control

The second time we played them I was curious to see what our approach would be. In the first half we came out pretty flat. I wouldn't say we were having the same issues as the first game but it was just a struggle. I will admit that the wind played a major factor in the game. My son (who is the goalie) even told me after he had to play more aggressively and do somethings differently because of it. That first half we were against the wind but I didn't hear the boys using it as an excuse when they fell behind 0-2.

The second half, we saw a whole different team. They were full of energy and were constantly on the attack. They were definitely taking advantage of the wind. I didn't see nearly as much complaining about miss calls and there was more support for each other even when mistakes were made. At the end of full time, we had tied the game 3-3. That meant that we would go into 2 overtime periods where the first team to score wins.

Just as a side note, when your son is the goalie, you want them to score quickly in OT. The last thing you want is for it to go to a penalty shoot out. Not good on my heart or stomach.

We came out in the OT just as we had played the whole second half. We did have the wind in our favor and a minute and 13 seconds in we scored on a set piece. We handed them their first region loss of the year.

Now some might say that the wind made the difference and that is probably true to a certain extent. But I think it was more the way they came out and played and focused on their own performance and what they could do to help the team be successful.

I'm sure you have seen this all over in sports. Teams lose and the referees take the blame or the weather or anything except their own performance. Are there times when literally a missed call costs the game? Sure there are. But how often does that happen versus the number of times someone says that was the reason? It's definitely not a 1:1 ratio.

Let me share a bonus story here.

In my high school, wrestling was the big sport. I had started wrestling in 2nd grade so it was a huge part of my life. In looking back at my senior year (and a lot of the years actually) I can see where I had a similar experience to my sons team.

Towards the end of my senior season we had a match with a team and I was to face one of the top wrestlers in my weight class. Our team was short handed because of a couple of suspensions (don't ask) and so what normally would have been a pretty easy victory for us as a team, looked like we would take a loss, especially if I lost my match, which I was supposed to.

A lot of times when I wrestled I would get psyched out (more on that in a minute), but for some reason that didn't happen in this match. I was able to wrestle my style of match (which was a more methodical, slow and deliberate style) for the entire match. I remember what point where my opponent was frustrated and was trying to convince me and the ref that I needed to be wrestling different. Didn't make a difference. After the second of three periods, I was down 1-0, which was exactly where I wanted to be. I knew that at the beginning of the third round, I'd be in a position to score a point and then for the remaining 90 seconds or so, it would really come down to who made a mistake that the other person could capitalize on. The odds of me winning in that situation were very high. In fact, the only times I lost my senior year where when I got out of my style (which I'll share in just a minute). About 20 seconds into the 3rd round we were tied 1-1. Perfecting. As we continued maneuvering for an advantage, I could see him continuing to get frustrated. I patiently (one of the only times that word can apply to me) waited for him to make a mistake. With about 45 seconds remaining he made a pretty big mistake and I was able to take him down straight to his back. 2 points for a take down and three points for a near fall. This will make sense to wrestlers but I went from an ankle pick straight into a cradle. At that point there was really no way for him to get out and all I had to do was stay right there for the remaining 45 seconds. I was perfectly content to do that. His frustration really came through at that point and he actually bit me. Patience gone. I basically tightened up the hold I had him in so tight that he couldn't move. Two seconds later I scored a pin fall which meant I won the match, got the maximum amount of points for the team and we eventually won the match.

Two weeks later we faced each other again in the regional finals. I ended up beating him by several points (including one point for an illegal hold on his part - more frustration) and I really had control the entire match.

Going into the state tournament I was confident I could keep on that streak and make it through to the finals and most likely face him a third team for the state championship.

Instead, in the semi-finals, I got psyched out. I faced a wrestler from our rival school that had won so many state championships in a row that I had lost count. This was not one of their top wrestlers and I should have beaten him easily. But instead, I let him get me out of my style of wrestling and I ended up losing the match. For the second year, I would have to settle for 3rd place when I should have been competing for the championship. And the top wrestler I had beaten twice - yep, he ended up winning the state title easily.

The lesson here and in the soccer story is that when you let others dictate what you do or when you focus on things you can't control, things can easily go down hill. For my sons team, they focused on what others were doing. For me, I let the reputation and the other wrestler dictate my mental state and how I reacted on the mat.

If I look back at the whole of my wrestling career, really the only times I lost was when I got out of my style. What would I do differently?

I would have worked on or gotten help to be more consistent in how I approached each match, especially those were I was supposed to lose. I would have worked on my mental state and then been more deliberate in defining my style and how I would get back into it when I let myself get pushed out of it. Basically I would have learned to focus on those things I can control, my thoughts, actions and reactions and not worried nearly so much about who I was wrestling. Hopefully you can learn from this.

Little Lift: 09:15

For today's Little Lift recommendation, I'd suggest you take a look at Larry Winget's "It's Called Work for a Reason" (amazon affiliate link in the shownotes. Quoting from the inside cover of the book "Are you frustrated with a lack of results at work? Have you hit a wall? Are you uninspired, stuck in arut, feeling underappreciated? Well, good news: your success is not up to your boss, your manager, your employees or the economy. It's up to YOU". You is in all caps. Does that sound like it's related. Even if you don't get the connection reading it, it's worth the read. I have a whole bunch of stickies (I read this one before I went almost all digital for books) marking the stories and lessons that I thought were most important. Give it a read.

Mini Topic: 10:12

Before I talk about focusing on the things we can control, let's talk about control at a bit higher level. I think we need to ask the question, how much control do we really have and over what. For me, I definitely like to think that I have more control than I actually do. There is something in my mind that tells me if I just work hard enough, make very detailed plans to prepare for every eventuality and then execute them to perfection, that will give me complete control. Should we count the number of myths in that thought?

.: 99999

In reality, there are only a few things that I can really control. For the most part, I'm using that phrase deliberately, I can control how I react to situations, my actions and my attitude. I say for the most part, because most of us at some point are going to struggle to control our emotions and those impact our actions, reactions and our attitudes. Some are impacted by this more than others if you think of things like depression, anxiety and other mental challenges. Just a plug that if you have issues with any of those, please get the professional help that you need.

Beyond those few things, I struggle to think about what beyond that I can control. If you want any evidence of a lack of control, just think about who the boss in my house is? Is it me, my wife or the one year old running around :)

I actually struggle with this thought of control and I've talked about it a bit in previous episodes. Because of some of my past leadership experiences, I had built this habit of trying to plan for and mitigate all kinds of emergencies. That has led me to a drive to try and do that in almost all aspects of my life. I think doing that kind of planning gives me the illusion of control.

Now I'm not saying you shouldn't try and plan for emergencies. I still think plans are absolutely necessary. I'd rather plan for an emergency and not need the plan, or plan for one type of emergency and have something different happen but be able to work through it because of my planning than just have an emergency hit and try and go with the flow.

When we lived in Houston, I was assigned to oversee our emergency preparedness plans for a group of church units. It was a very large geographical area and we had somewhere over 2,000 church members in that area.

When I first got the assignment, I was very overwhelmed. In Utah, the kinds of emergencies we planned for were very different. Sure there were the basic things like helping people do food storage, plan for financial emergencies, etc. But in Houston, we planned for hurricanes, floods, terrorist attacks, chemical attacks and so much more. It seem like the list was never ending. Now luckily, a lot of the plans overlapped so we didn't need to have a dozen plans. It was really just one big plan with a bunch of if then kind of statements.

Our plans covered communication (cell phones, ham radios and other), calling trees, who checked on who, if certain areas flooded where would we send folks, how would we help the people (members and non-members) with tree removal, mucking out houses after they flooded and more and more and more.

Luckily I had a great team that helped work through all of those things. The downside of that great team is that they made my preparedness look like I had brought a tarp to fend of a tsunami. They were really prepared. I'm not talking about bunkers and all that but they just had done a great job of executing on basic preparedness principles. They taught me a ton.

But my brain processed the whole experience in a way that has made me think that if I can build those same kinds of plans, I can deal with or mitigate just about anything negative in my life. Talk about a myth. What I have to keep reminding myself is that as soon as a disaster happened, that it wasn't about following the plan to a tee or perfect execution, but it was more about taking the core principles in the plan and figuring out how to apply them in the given situation.

Shortly after we left Houston there was a major hurricane that came through. It rained enough that the actual elevation of the city of houston dropp by a cm or something like that. While I wasn't there, I understand that the plan they had worked very well. Homes were still damage, people still struggled and they didn't execute it exactly (generally we didn't put in the plan how to use freeway on ramps as boat launches - which really happened) but that they had enough in the plan to start moving and adapt as they went along.

So the lesson I really should have internalized, is that more than trying to control everything through expert planning and execution, I should think of this more like a lego set that has all the building blocks you need to build whatever is most important at the time.

So for all of you listening, keep an open mind about control. It really is fleeting. While we can do our best to control our own actions, reactions, emotions, attitude, etc. that's really about all we have some control over. There are other pieces that we can influence (a slightly larger set) but most things we really don't have as much control over as we would like to think. So if you are hung up on trying to control things in your life, maybe take a step back and definitely keep listening to the topics coming up after the break.

Mid-Roll

Let's take a breather for just a minute. While we do that, just a reminder to hit the subscribe or follow button. Last week I issued everyone a challenge to pick an episode and share it with someone in your circle. Maybe you have someone in your circle that could use today's episode. Hit that square with an arrow icon and send the link to them via text, email or through social media. And also, take a moment to check out my show notes. There are tons of resources in there include links to all the places you can follow my work as well as a couple of ways you can support the show. I'd appreciate anything you can do to support the growth of the podcast. Ok. Enough self promotion.

We Control and How to Let Go: 17:21

Now that we have talked through some examples of what happens when we focus on things out of our control and some of the challenges around control (mostly the fact that we don't have as much real control as we believe), let's start talking about what we should focus on.

Focusing On Ourselves

When it comes to what is within our control, or at least mostly within our control, it almost all about us. I know that as leaders we are taught to focus on others and not ourselves, but this is one of the times where you do need to focus on yourself.

Think about a crucial conversation you are going to have with a family member or employee. You can plan for it, figure out what you want to say, know what you are hoping to accomplish and even schedule time for the conversation. But you can't control if they will show up, what kind of attitude they will have, if they are distracted, how they are going to react to what you say, if they will even listen, if they even care….shall I go on? So in this case, all of the planning in the world could go right out the door the minute the conversation starts.

I said this earlier and I'll say it again, that doesn't mean you shouldn't prepare. You absolutely should. But maybe your preparation takes on a different feel or form with this in mind.

In that same situation, what you could focus on is, what you are going to say, how you are going to react if they get defensive, how you are going to react if they don't seem to care and other things like that.

Let's use another professional example. I've mentioned that I have been laid off a couple of times. Neither time did I see it coming. I had absolutely no control over being laid off. Even if I had known layoffs were coming months in advance, I'm not sure how much it would have changed. I could have controlled how hard I worked, what I tried to do with and for me team and those kinds of things, but I could not influence the outcome. Now some of you may disagree with this and say that companies always keep the best folks. That's fine for you to have that opinion. I would ask you to take a look at the tech layoffs over the last several months. Do you really think all of the people laid off were either mid-tier or lower? One major tech company has even laid off those that were previously labeled untouchable.

What you can control is how you react when you are laid off? I've heard of people going ballistic and throwing fits and sabotaging the organizaiton on their way out. But I have also seen others that have been the perfect example of how to handle something like this.

I had a boss that got laid off a few years ago (before I got laid off the first time). He was the absolute professional. Didn't argue and simply asked what else he could or needed to do. I tried to follow his example both times I have been laid off. I know in one case it actually surprised the VP doing the layoffs when I asked what I needed to do before my access was revoked.

This is a good example of recognizing what you can control (how you react to the situation) and not focusing on what you can't control. If you focus on things you can't control like why you were laid off (my manager didn't like or whatever), it just brings negativity into your life and it is unlikely to change the situation at all. (this doesn't apply for cases of discrimination and things like that - which I'm not going to address).

So when you think about what you can control, look inward first. Are there actions you can take? Can you change your attitude about a situation or a person? Can you work to get your emotions under control? Can you control how you react? Can you control the amount of effort you put in to whatever it is your working on?

I really like that last one. If you think about a department or company that is struggling or maybe making changes that you don't agree with. In both of those situations there are a lot of things you can't control. But you can control the level of and quality of effort that you put in. You may not be able to control the actual results but you can control if you give your best effort or not.

For leaders, I would advise you to really think about this and listen to the previous episodes when I talked about goals setting and creating tense but not intense environments. What people need are goals that they can control and that if they give their best effort, they can achieve. Not goals that depend on your mood that day or how many customers like the product that they have no control over, etc. Do your best to set those you lead for success by giving them goals and targets that they have some control or at least influence over.

In summary, if you are going to move forward, you need to start by focusing on yourself because that's really the only piece you have a shot at exerting some control over.

Being Aware of and Act On What We Can Influence

While we can't control much outside of ourselves, there are a lot of things that we can influence. That's next.

There is a big difference between control and influence. I can control the volume of my voice but I may only be able to influence the volume of my three year old grandson. That's a real life struggle and one where I'm losing the battle. I think he only has two volumes: really loud and shouting.

Especially as leaders, we need to hone our influence management skils. That's a topic that deserves at least one episode of it's own. What I would say is that we need to be aware, in any situation or relationships, of where we can positively influence the outcome or the other individual.

Being aware can be something you do informally but there may be situations where you need to be more deliberate about identifying what you can influence. Let's go back to the crucial conversation example I mentioned a few minutes ago.

If you are headed into a crucial conversation and you know that the other party can easily get triggered by criticism, then that is something you need to identify and figure out how to positively influence. That may mean that you need to build them up a bit, find a way to share the concern in a way that they won't go off the handle or even decide if it's worth bringing up at all. Just a simple example, if you know they do their best work in the am and don't like the unknown, it's probably not a good idea to send them an appointment first thing in the am for end of day titled "We need to talk". It might be less of a trigger if you get to them first thing in the morning so they are at their best and then don't spend all day stewing on what the meeting might be about.

Like most of my other leadership recommendations, this is an area where you being deliberate can make a difference. Deliberately look for and identify things that you can positively influence and then figure out the best way to do so.

The Things You Have Zero Control or Influence Over

Now, if we know the things we can influence (ourselves) and what we can influence (situation or relationships dependent), that leaves the list of things that we can't control. And that list can be pretty big. But don't let the size of the list bring you down. Instead, recognize what you can't control and then try and figure out a way to let it go.

While I was scoutmaster in Houston, we had an overnight campout every month (except July and August - no way) and then several bigger campouts. Generally the big formal scout camp was in early june and then we would try and plan for multiple day campouts when school was out (spring break, winter holidays, etc.).

For the monthly campouts, it was almost always obvious which weekend would work for the campout. With everyones schedules it just kind of worked out that way. The same thing for those bigger campouts. Generally school schedules dictated when we could go. We didn't have a ton of control over that but we did have some influence.

One of the biggest things we could not control was the weather. It could rain, freeze, get scorching hot, etc. Even if we looked at the weather forecast a couple of weeks before, what good did that do from a scheduling standpoint? If we already had the date scheduled and the reservations, changes in the weather meant you either went and dealt with it or you cancelled.

What we learned to do was focus on what we could control and that was planning. We planned the campouts based on the best information we had about the weather. And then we went and for the most part, didn't worry about what happened.

I remember one Christmas break campout where the weather got really bad. Like freezing rain bad. We generally dealt with cold or rain but both together was a bit of a different challenge. The boys did not do a good job of setting up camp and by the second morning, everyone was wet and cold and there was really no way to get dry. So we cut the trip short.

So when you think about situations in your life, it's a good idea to figure out which pieces you can't control and then find a way (it's personal to you) to let them go and focus on what you can control. That's easier said than done and I don't claim to be an expert. But I really do envy those that seem to do that without a lot of effort.

So let's wrap up this section. What we have talked about is you looking at key situations in your life and identifying what you can control (you), what you can influence and what you can't control. And then moving forward. Sometimes this happens in a matter of seconds in your mind and you can move forward. Other times, you might need to sit down and actually work through each of the three areas. For those times, I would recommend you figure out what works best for you to do so.

Let me give you a few situations.

How to Figure Out What is What

First, try and take a step back and evaluate the situation. You might even need to ask someone not in the middle of it to help you do so. If you are struggling with one of your direct reports, you might need to ask your manager or HR to help you figure this out. If it's one of your kids, then your spouse could be a great resource. Either way take a step back and make sure you have a solid view of the situation.

Then start making your lists. What can you control (remember that's pretty much only about you), what can I influence and what do I have zero control over. This list is important because it can help you change your perspective and in many cases, it forms the basis for your plan.

One other nuance I'd like to mention here. If this is a critical thing you are working on, it sometimes makes sense to identify if there is anyone in your circle that can control or influence the things you have identified as being out of your control. That's a pretty good exercise. If I think about my family, sometimes one of my kids would respond better to my wife or another of their siblings vs. me talking to them. That's just one example of where I could identify someone that could influence or control things I can't.

Next is to make a plan to work on the things you can control. Since that's all about you, you should be able to make and start working on it. This is another area where a second set of eyes can help. Your boss or spouse could help you figure out the best course of action, especially if you identify them as someone that can help influence the outcome.

Add onto this how you plan to exert influence where you can and to work with those that you have identified as helping.

Finally figure out and even plan how you are going to let the other things go. This is the hardest one for me. I have a lot of different techniques that I have tried to varying degrees of success. In some areas, I have to completely walk away from a situation for awhile. Other times, I have asked my wife to step in and handle some things where I knew that I would try to exert control but couldn't. I've also had to learn to identify when my brain steps into control mode in an area where control is a myth and then deliberately work to dismiss those thoughts or choose a different course of action. I've also learned that finding a distraction, something I can control or influence, to replace the thing I can't is effective. I've also had to learn that sometimes I just have to turn the dial way back and take a break or at least not be so intense about something.

I'm very passionate about my kids pursuing their dreams and reaching their fullest potential. What I have realized over the last few years is that my passion is going to have very little influence on how far they go in life. That is something I have absolutely zero control over. There are some things that I can influence but that's about it. So what I've had to do is dial back my intensity in those situations.

My top two recommendations for letting things go is to find and focus on the things you can control, let those distract from what you can't, and then learn to dial it back as needed. Those work for me. Any other ideas? Please do share them with me.

The Results of Changing Our Focus

At this point we have talked about control, what we can control (us), what we can influence, what we can't control at all and some ideas around how to let go of things not within our control. Let's wrap up the episode with just a few things you will get out of moving your focus away from things you can't control.

First on my list is that if you do let go of the things you can't control, I think you will find more peace in life. Or at least less frustration.

Second, this helps you identify things you should be focused or working on and things you shouldn't. Making that change will help you stop spinning your wheels in areas that won't make any difference. But hey go ahead and keep kicking that brick wall.

Third, you learn to develop plans that are more like the generic lego sets that have all kinds of pieces and you can put them together in a way that suits the situation.

Fourth, going through this process helps you identify course corrections that can improve situations or relationships.

Fifth, when it comes to relationships, you will also focus more on what you can do to improve the relationship than sitting there hoping the other person will change.

And sixth, and I hope this doesn't happen often, but identifying what you can and can't control could help you decide to move on from a situation or a relationship. If you identify that there is truly nothing you can do to improve a situation, think about a toxic work environment, then remember that you can control how you act and react and that means finding a way out, even if you have to get help to do so.

Wrap Up: 31:31

I know we would all like to have more control over life than what we really do. And I'm not saying that there is an easy way to figure out how to deal with the lack of control. What I am saying is that if you move your focus away from the things you can't control and starting focusing and acting on the things that you can control (yourself) or influence, then that starts to shift your life. It's a type of course correction that can help you get more out of life. The situation may not change, those around you may not change, but your perspective and what you decide to do could change and that can make a huge difference in your life.

Post-Roll

Thank you for tuning in. If you found any value in this episode, please share it with others and drop me a note. I'd love to get feedback from you. If you have been trying to figure out how to access the show notes where there are tons of great resources, you can also get them on my website, www.mtenboconsulting.com. Each week I post the episode transcript and show notes as a blog post on my homepage. Check it out.

Thanks again for your support. Now go out and keep lifting!